Special Edition: March Madness

Vibe power rankings and a special bracket to get you ready for the tournament.

Mar 21, 2024

March Madness on the men’s side starts in approximately three hours, so I’ve got a quick special edition for all you loyal readers of Cansler Culture.

Every Team Ranked by Vibe

Whether your team lost in a play-in game on Tuesday by a completely normal amount of points or you’re just looking to bandwagon on another fanbase, I’ve got you covered. Here’s every team ranked by vibe:

Saint Peter’s: America’s team.
Florida Atlantic: Three Words. Hot Coach Bracket.
Washington St: One of the best little surprises of the year.
St. Marys: Started out bad, then got really good. Those are my favs to root for.
Stetson: They are the hatters.
Tennessee: Imagine if Virginia wasn’t excruciating to watch.
Long Beach St: The coach was literally already fired but is still coaching. How can you not root for that?
Yale: Ivy League hits different in March.
Purdue: The only thing people love more than an underdog is a comeback.
Samford: They press on every possession. Let chaos reign.
North Carolina: Two words. Redemption Arc.
South Dakota St: People just love the jackrabbits as a mascot. (I’m people.)
McNeese: Outlaws coached by an outlaw.
Longwood: Coach was a lawyer for like 20 years. Somehow that is endearing.
Nebraska: One word. Nebrasketball.
Western Kentucky: More good vibes based purely on the mascot.
Kentucky: Look, they’re fun to watch and John Calipari is the ultimate sports antihero.
Alabama-Birmingham: Miracle run to get to this point.
Grambling: Streets are saying they’re the FDU of this year. Ya never know.
Morehead St: First one to qualify always has a special place.
Houston: I’m calling them the silent killers because no one knows anything about this team other than that they are really good.
Colorado: Finishing third place in your conference is cool actually.
San Diego St: Easy money if you like rooting for underdogs who are not actually underdogs.
Dayton: Somehow both underrated and overrated. Love their logo.
Drake: Not a sleeper if everyone’s talking about them. (But also not not a sleeper.)
Nevada: Quietly sexy.
Marquette: Coach Shaka Smart is very fun to root for. The team not so much.
Duquesne: Top two “duke”-themed team in the bracket.
Auburn: Could be on Fraud Watch. But also…could not be.
Vermont: Consistency can be boring. Not with these folks.
Texas Tech: Don’t let the lack of vibes fool you into underrating them.
Baylor: Coach Scott Drew has math teacher vibes. That works for some people.
Creighton: Has proved they can hang with the big kids.
Oakland: Longest-tenured active coach.
South Carolina: Defies expectations 90% of the time. The other 10% only disappoints you.
Utah St: This is that quiet kid in class that everyone realizes is a genius at the end of the semester.
Grand Canyon: The problem with being anointed a cinderella in November is that you now have to show up in a pumpkin.
Charleston: Not dealing with the sky-high expectations they were last year. That helps them a lot.
James Madison: Whatever the opposite of Fraud Watch is. Which maybe means they should be on Fraud Watch.
Michigan St: Never count out Coach Tom Izzo.
Arizona: If you love the epic highs and lows of life, you’ll love a team that is amazing 90% of the time and then 10% of the time loses a game they shouldn’t.
Florida: Snuck up on everyone.
Akron: Zippy.
TCU: Quietly celibate.
Mississippi St: Coach Chris Jans loves Dave Matthews Band.
Illinois: Desperately wants to hang with the big kids.
Colgate: Minty and fresh. Wait, no, sorry that’s the toothpaste.
Northwestern: Everyone counted them out…as they should have.
Wagner: Already won a close one to get here. I fear they may already be resting on their laurels.
Colorado St: Little brother vibes.
Oregon: A remarkable turnaround that got completely overshadowed by more remarkable turnarounds.
New Mexico: They’ve already done what they needed to do. No motivation now, unfortunately.
Kansas: No depth and leading scorer may or may not be faking an injury. Not too fun to get behind.
Clemson: Two words. Fraud Watch.
Wisconsin: Two words. Fraud Watch.
Texas: Two words.
NC State: Do you like soundcloud rap?
Texas A&M: The team is very fun to root for. Coach Buzz Williams not so much.
BYU: Can’t play on Sundays.
Iowa St: Somehow has rich kid vibes but is not a rich kid.
Gonzaga: They’re only less hateable now because they’re less talked about.
Alabama: Imagine if Virginia was actually the exact opposite of Virginia. Also imagine if Tony Bennett was the exact opposite of Tony Bennett.
UConn: The only fun villains in sports are the self-aware ones. That’s not the Huskies.
Duke: No.