Special Edition: March Madness
Vibe power rankings and a special bracket to get you ready for the tournament.
March Madness on the men’s side starts in approximately three hours, so I’ve got a quick special edition for all you loyal readers of Cansler Culture.
Every Team Ranked by Vibe
Whether your team lost in a play-in game on Tuesday by a completely normal amount of points or you’re just looking to bandwagon on another fanbase, I’ve got you covered. Here’s every team ranked by vibe:
Saint Peter’s: America’s team.
Florida Atlantic: Three Words. Hot Coach Bracket.
Washington St: One of the best little surprises of the year.
St. Marys: Started out bad, then got really good. Those are my favs to root for.
Stetson: They are the hatters.
Tennessee: Imagine if Virginia wasn’t excruciating to watch.
Long Beach St: The coach was literally already fired but is still coaching. How can you not root for that?
Yale: Ivy League hits different in March.
Purdue: The only thing people love more than an underdog is a comeback.
Samford: They press on every possession. Let chaos reign.
North Carolina: Two words. Redemption Arc.
South Dakota St: People just love the jackrabbits as a mascot. (I’m people.)
McNeese: Outlaws coached by an outlaw.
Longwood: Coach was a lawyer for like 20 years. Somehow that is endearing.
Nebraska: One word. Nebrasketball.
Western Kentucky: More good vibes based purely on the mascot.
Kentucky: Look, they’re fun to watch and John Calipari is the ultimate sports antihero.
Alabama-Birmingham: Miracle run to get to this point.
Grambling: Streets are saying they’re the FDU of this year. Ya never know.
Morehead St: First one to qualify always has a special place.
Houston: I’m calling them the silent killers because no one knows anything about this team other than that they are really good.
Colorado: Finishing third place in your conference is cool actually.
San Diego St: Easy money if you like rooting for underdogs who are not actually underdogs.
Dayton: Somehow both underrated and overrated. Love their logo.
Drake: Not a sleeper if everyone’s talking about them. (But also not not a sleeper.)
Nevada: Quietly sexy.
Marquette: Coach Shaka Smart is very fun to root for. The team not so much.
Duquesne: Top two “duke”-themed team in the bracket.
Auburn: Could be on Fraud Watch. But also…could not be.
Vermont: Consistency can be boring. Not with these folks.
Texas Tech: Don’t let the lack of vibes fool you into underrating them.
Baylor: Coach Scott Drew has math teacher vibes. That works for some people.
Creighton: Has proved they can hang with the big kids.
Oakland: Longest-tenured active coach.
South Carolina: Defies expectations 90% of the time. The other 10% only disappoints you.
Utah St: This is that quiet kid in class that everyone realizes is a genius at the end of the semester.
Grand Canyon: The problem with being anointed a cinderella in November is that you now have to show up in a pumpkin.
Charleston: Not dealing with the sky-high expectations they were last year. That helps them a lot.
James Madison: Whatever the opposite of Fraud Watch is. Which maybe means they should be on Fraud Watch.
Michigan St: Never count out Coach Tom Izzo.
Arizona: If you love the epic highs and lows of life, you’ll love a team that is amazing 90% of the time and then 10% of the time loses a game they shouldn’t.
Florida: Snuck up on everyone.
Akron: Zippy.
TCU: Quietly celibate.
Mississippi St: Coach Chris Jans loves Dave Matthews Band.
Illinois: Desperately wants to hang with the big kids.
Colgate: Minty and fresh. Wait, no, sorry that’s the toothpaste.
Northwestern: Everyone counted them out…as they should have.
Wagner: Already won a close one to get here. I fear they may already be resting on their laurels.
Colorado St: Little brother vibes.
Oregon: A remarkable turnaround that got completely overshadowed by more remarkable turnarounds.
New Mexico: They’ve already done what they needed to do. No motivation now, unfortunately.
Kansas: No depth and leading scorer may or may not be faking an injury. Not too fun to get behind.
Clemson: Two words. Fraud Watch.
Wisconsin: Two words. Fraud Watch.
Texas: Two words.
NC State: Do you like soundcloud rap?
Texas A&M: The team is very fun to root for. Coach Buzz Williams not so much.
BYU: Can’t play on Sundays.
Iowa St: Somehow has rich kid vibes but is not a rich kid.
Gonzaga: They’re only less hateable now because they’re less talked about.
Alabama: Imagine if Virginia was actually the exact opposite of Virginia. Also imagine if Tony Bennett was the exact opposite of Tony Bennett.
UConn: The only fun villains in sports are the self-aware ones. That’s not the Huskies.
Duke: No.
And now for the most important bracket reveal of the year. The one everyone has been waiting for…
The 2024 NCAA Hot Coach Bracket
(split by region for graphic design purposes)
And the Final Four…
That’s all for this special edition of Cansler Culture.
My undergrad school is Stetson - Go Hatters! (They are only 26.5 point underdogs to UConn.) And yes, 1000% agreement with “Duke: no.”